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A fireman and his wife were bored with their sex life so he tried to liven it f up by incorporating the bell system that was used at work. At the firehouse when ~ the first bell rings, everyone runs to the trucks; on the second bell, they gear up; and : on the third bell they jump on the trucks and head for the fire. So he went home and told his wife: "I've got this great idea to spice up our sex life. We're gonna use the bell system. When I shout "bell one", you run into the bedroom; when I shout "bell two", you take off your clothes; and when I call "bell three", you jump on the bed ; and we make passionate love."
The next evening he got home from work and immediately shouted "bell one". His wife ran into the bedroom. Then he called out "bell two" and she took off her clothes. Then he yelled "bell three" and the pair leaped on the bed together and started making love. But no sooner had they started than she suddenly cried: "Bell four, bell four!" "What the hell's bell four?" he gasped.
"More hose! More hose! You're nowhere near the fire!"

On the night before his wedding, the shy young man thought he ought to ask his father what was expected of him in the bedroom.
"What exactly do I have to do?" he asked tentatively. .
"Well, Son," said his father. "You remember what you used to play with as a teenager? All you do is stick that where your wife pees." So the following night the young man threw G.I. Joe down the toilet.

A couple went to an agricultural show one weekend and watched the auction of some prize bulls. The auctioneer announced that the first bull had reproduced 72 times last year. "Hey," said the wife, nudging her husband. "That's six times a month. A pity you can't match that." The next bull for auction was revealed to have reproduced 144 times last year. The wife prodded her husband again. "Did you hear that? Twelve times a month! He's way out of your league."
Then a third bull was led around. The auctioneer proudly stated that the animal
had reproduced 365 times last year. The wife elbowed her husband hard in the ribs. "Three hundred and sixty-five 1 times!" she exclaimed. "That's every day of the year. That really puts you to shame." By now, the husband was thoroughly irritated by the jibes. "Sure. Great," he said ; icily. "But I bet it wasn't all with the same cow."

A man living on the second storey of an apartment block was leaning out of the window one morning to check whether it was raining when a glass eye suddenly fell into his hand. Looking up, he saw a girl peering down from four storeys above. "Is this yours?" he called out. "Yes," she replied. "Hold on," he said. "I'll bring it up to you." So he took the glass eye up to the girl's apartment. She invited him in and they started chatting. Not only was she extremely grateful to him but she also found him incredibly attractive and so she asked him out to dinner that evening. He readily accepted. The meal was a great success and afterwards she suggested they go back to his place and go to bed. She stayed the night and when she left the following morning, he said: "I'm sorry but I have to ask. Do you act like this with every man you meet?" "No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."

A young couple on their first date had sex which was over in a matter of seconds. Feeling rather proud of himself, the boy said: "If I'd known you were a I virgin, I'd have taken more time." The girl replied: "If I'd known you were going to take more time, I'd have taken off my panty hose."

The headmistress of a girls' school asked a male friend who was an author to give a talk to the pupils about sex. After much persuasion, the man agreed but was too embarrassed to tell his wife. So he told her that he was addressing the school on sailing and wrote an appropriate entry in his diary for that day. The day after the talk, the headmistress met the wife in the street. "Your husband was wonderful yesterday, so illuminating. I know my girls learned a lot from him."
"I can't think how," said the wife. "He's only tried it twice. The first time he was sick and the second time he lost his hat."

A middle-aged man was told at the hospital that he had only 24 hours to live. He went home in a state of shock and fell into his wife's arms. "I've been told I've only got 24 hours to live," he said. "Can we have sex one last time?" "Of course, honey," she said, and they went to bed. Four hours later, he turned to her and said: "Could we have sex again? I've only '" got 20 hours to live. It will probably be our last chance." "Sure, honey," replied his wife and they had sex. - Eight hours later, he asked her. "Do you think we could have sex one more time? -, After all, I've only got 12 hours to live." I "OK," said the wife and they had sex. Four hours later, he nudged her in bed. "I just realized I've only got eight hours to live. Could we have sex one last time?" "Very well," she sighed. "It's the least I can do in the circumstances". Four hours later, he woke her again. "I've only got fours to live. Would you mind if we had sex just one more time, our final act of love?" " This was too much for the wife. "Listen," she snapped, "you may not have to get up in the morning, but I do!"

A couple decided that the only way to have a quickie while their ten-year- old son was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighbourhood. So the boy stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening. "A police car has just called at the Hamiltons' house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchell's are having sex." Hearing this, the boy's parents shot bolt upright. "How do you know the Mitchells are having sex?" "Because their kid is standing on the balcony too."

Superman was bored because Batman and Spiderman were on vacation and there was nothing much to do. Flying around New York one day, he spotted Wonder Woman lying on her back with her legs apart on the roof of a tall building. He had always lusted after Wonder Woman so he thought he would swoop down and have his wicked way with her. "What was that?" said Wonder Woman afterwards. The Invisible Man climbed off her and said: "I dunno, but it hurt."

A guy and his date were parked on a back road way out of town. Things started to heat up and he began to undo her dress. "I probably should have mentioned this before," she said, "but I'm a prostitute and if you want to have sex with me, it will cost you 20 dollars." The guy wasn't happy, but he paid up. Afterwards, he got dressed but just sat in the driver's seat without starting the engine. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the woman. "I probably should have mentioned this before," he replied, "but I'm a taxi driver and if you want to get back to town, it will cost you 30 dollars!"

A male market researcher was calling on homes on behalf of Vaseline. A woman answered the door."Do you use Vaseline?" asked the researcher. "Certainly," she said. "It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns." "And what about anything else?" he asked. "Like what?" He became embarrassed. "Well, sex, maybe." Oh, of course." she said. "I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out."

With his wife away on an overseas trip, a guy decided to take his secretary back to his house for an evening of passion. They were rolling around on the bed when he suddenly remembered he didn't have any condoms. I "What are we gonna do?" he said. "I don't know," answered the secretary. "I don't have any either."
Just then he hit upon an idea. "Hey'" he yelled exultantly. "No problem. I know where my wife keeps her diaphragm. You can use that." So he searched the top drawer of the dressing table where the wife always kept her contraceptive device but it was nowhere to be found. After 20 minutes, he gave up. "Goddam bitch!" he snarled. "She's taken it with her. I always knew she didn't trust me!"

A guy was told he had just 24 hours to live, so he decided to go home and make passionate love to his wife. He crept into the bedroom, slid into bed and for the next three hours enjoyed the wildest sex he'd ever experienced. Finally exhausted, he crawled into the bathroom where he was surprised to find his wife lying in the bath with a mudpack on her face. "How did you get in here?" he asked. "Sssh!" she said. "You'll wake my mother."

A truck driver was going down a steep incline when, at the foot of the hill, he was able to make out a couple having sex in the middle of the road. Five times on his descent he sounded his horn, but they didn't move. He finally brought the truck' to a halt inches from them. The truck driver got out and stormed: "What the hell's the matter with you two?.Didn't you hear me? You could have been killed!" The man replied nonchalantly: "Listen, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."

A woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from I knee pains. "Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your knees?" asked the doctor. "Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor doggy style." "I see," said the doctor. "You know, there are plenty of other sexual positions?" "Not if you want to watch TV there ain't!"

Pinnochio had been getting complaints from his girlfriend. "Every time we make love," she said, "I get splinters." So Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the carpenter, for advice. "Sandpaper," said the carpenter. "That's what you need." So Pinocchio took some sheets of sandpaper and went home. A few weeks later the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again. "How are you getting on with the girls now?" he asked. "Who needs girls?" said Pinocchio.

If men got pregnant:

  • Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem
  • Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay
  • Children would be kept in hospital until toilet trained
  • Natural childbirth would become obsolete
  • All methods of birth control would be 100 per cent effective
  • Men would be eager to talk about commitment
  • There would be a cure for stretch marks
  • They'd serve beer instead of coffee at antenatal classes
  • Men wouldn't think twins were so cute
  • Sons would have to be home from dates by 10 p.m.

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